Stan Has Issues™ — Meanest Prank of All Time?

Meanest Prank of All Time?

About six months after posting the surprisingly famous R. Kelly rant, I received my first confused/misguided request for R. Kelly’s e-mail address, from someone clearly thinking I was R. Kelly, despite the decidedly anti-Kells sentiment I spewed at the time (I’ve since learned the error of my ways and have come to love and respect the man’s tortured genius). This started an echo-chamber effect that has lasted to this day, with commenters from places as distant as Cameroon and as close Louisville posting their desire to contact R. Kelly. Around October of last year, I decided I’d start pranking them all. Nobody responded to my e-mails, in which I pretended to be R. Kelly by affecting poor spelling and an awful attempt at “street” patois, except for one guy. This is his story.

He left this comment in late September:

hi Kelly this is a fan.i know what people say about u but man,never mind.i personally like u for u have helped me without knowin.i started singing and as a matter of fact even won awards with some R and B tracks all under students entertainment.because of u ihave lot of songs which iwill like to give some out.they are really good and since u put the spirit in me must give them back to u.how do ido that?i need ur email address.mine is [e-mail address omitted despite the fact that you could just go over to the R. Kelly post and find it].ineed ur email.u will not be disappointed when u hear the songs.Thanx for ue help

I responded…

Date: Sunday, October 7, 2007 12:20:21 AM CDT
From: Robert Kelly
To: Samuel Anang
Subject: Kells callin
hey man, Mr. Samuel Anang, i first off got to say i appreciate ur
support more than every at this stone cold time in my life. i been
goin thru this trial n my law-bro twan be juicin galz n tryna get up
in they faces with a gat when he better off chillaxin in the club.

it’s great to my ears that u sing and that i been such a inspiration
to u all thru out ur life. i wold like to hear ur music as soon as
possible, bro. u can hit me back at this email for now until time
stops. i got me a blackberry so i can hear ur shit, even in the club.

~kells~

To my surprise, he got back to me by morning:

Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2007 09:59:40 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Re: Kells callin
wow,is this really u Kells?how do i let u hear the songs?i will like to send just one to u to hear first.u will like what u have helped me put together.should i send it through an EMX or what?plzzzzzzzzz let me know how to get the song to u ,plzzzzzzzzzz.if it is really u,then i am more than willing to give ur songs out.[they are urs cus u helped me.remember?]i will expect ur reply soon.
bye,
Samuel

I didn’t respond to this one. The moment I started sending these prank e-mails, I felt a mixture of guilt and immaturity I hadn’t felt since the time in fifth grade one of my friends and I set fire to a plastic shopping cart behind Kmart. (If you’re thinking that’s impossible to do, here’s how you do it: take a piece of easy-to-ignite cardboard, light it, and toss it in the cart. You can thank me later.) I spent almost a week hemming and hawing, without responding, because this ignorant sap had already bought into something that was clearlyfake.

However, when he responded again, I decided not to feel guilty. He sorta had it coming. Yes, that’s all I need to justify immoral and unethical behavior. Feel free to enlist my help in your next crime spree.

Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2007 10:55:37 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Whatz up?
Yo Kells,
howz life?i do not know if u got my last message but i know u kinda busy so might not reply that fast.actually this is the guy who said will like to give some tracks out since u helped him do that.i will please like u to give me a contact adress so that i will send the song.i will go to an underground studio and have a recording of one of the songs in order to send it to u.i just want u to know that u really put ur spirit in me and i have got lot of songs to give up.plz give me a contact address to send the CD after the recording .plz do let me have it cus u will not be disappointed.i only want u to have trust in me before i send the other ones.Once again, it is my greatest desire to give my songs out to u cus u helped me write them and as i am not out as a musician ,will give what i have for now up to the one who helped me write them..Hope to hear fromu soon.
Samuel Anang

Because (once my guilt was alleviated) I’m the meanest person in the universe, and pranking was the whole point, I honed in on the sheer desperation and kiss-assiness. I decided to come up with a convoluted, ridiculous method of sending a CD to ensure Kells would get it.

Date: Saturday, October 13, 2007 9:23:30 PM CDT
From: Robert Kelly
To: samuel anang
Subject: Re: Whatz up?
i got to say it make me a little surprize 2 no the impact i have. i mean, i hear all it all tha time be it from a young hunny or a fan on tha street or @ mcdonald’s, “kells, u give me so much spirit.” i feel so happy when i hear those words comin out a persons mouth, & i’m real happy i get 2 connec wit u, Samuel.

u want 2 get yo records out 2 me, hear what u do. it might sound a lil tricky but i tell u, follow tha directions & i’ll get ur stuff. i’ll listen & tell u how i feel wit honesty. i get tha feelin i’ll luv it, tho.

hear how u do it. find 1 of them CD mailing envalopes wit tha bubble rap, a black one. if u can’t find black, get yo self a sharpie & color it black. it GOT 2 b black, ALL black. also get urself 1 of them silver glitter markers. u need it later but i figure it save you some time 2 get it with the sharpie & envalope.

so u got tha black envalope, what u do is put ur CD in there and mebbe drop a note sos i no it u & why u sendin (i get lots of emails, that’s why i never answer before sorry!), seal that fucker up.

then wit tha silver marker, write this address up top 2 send it 2:

Zomba Recording Corporation
Attn: R. Kelly 2389104
137-139 West 25th Street
New York, New York 10001

it b eazy this way. them numbers 2389104 b a sekrit code 4 just me & my special friends 2 send stuff. i will get it this way. i’d send my home address but i b hones: i don’t know u at all.

if u want, u can also email some tracks to me, mp3 tracks, i can get em thru email if u can send em. it b eazier 4 sho, but if u can’t i understand. just send the CD 2 that address, k?

~kells~

—————————————
Sent using BlackBerry

Get Kells on yo ringtone @ http://www.r-kelly.com/mobile.html

I still think the Blackberry joke is funny. I came up with it after receiving a series of e-mails from the Big-Shot Producer with that footer, and since Double Up had recently come out and I found the “Ringtone” song hilarious, I decided to include an ad, as well.

This sent Samuel on an epic quest to do right by Kells. It didn’t end well.

Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2007 09:20:17 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Re: Yo Kells
Hi Kells’
sorry its a long time since u heard from me after ur last reply.i actually had to put some things in place to get about half the amount of money for the recording.also i spent day s trying to find the black CD envelope which i could not find.i actually had to colour another envelope all black but it was also rejected.Finally i had to use a brown envelope and a pen to write the address.please forgive me.i also registered it so it gets to you safely,if not i will hold the post office responsible so i know it will get to you.expect it in a week’s time.i do not have much to say but will wait for ur coment on the song.once again sorry the procedure was altered.
Samuel

It was around this time where I realized the prank had plateau’ed. I had nowhere else to take it except chastise him and end the “relationship” because he disobeyed my procedure. I just kinda sat on it. He sent a few more e-mails, which became increasingly needy and desperate. They made me start to feel guilty again.

Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2007 06:42:28 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Got It?
i know its been long.As i said in my last reply,i sent the CD but not in a black envelope cus we do not have that type here and a coloured envelope is not accepted.that is why i put it in the brown one and wrote the address boldly in pen on it.once again i am sorry for that.but i registerd it ;therfore it must get to u and that should be latest by 3RD of Nov.please let me know immediately you get it.u might like to talk to me too.i should have asked for ur number but for a person like u,u cannot do that.mine is [phone number omitted].i know this will also help us to know each other better.i will be expecting your call too when you have the CD.PLEASE DO NOT GET ANGRY WITH ME cus of the difference in envelope.Once again,i am very SORRY.
hope to here from u soon.
Samuel

In the e-mail above, he at least seems a little excited — he’s so confident in his life-changing songs, he’s handing out phone numbers. A few days later, he gets a little desperate:

Date: Mon, 5 Nov 2007 10:59:56 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: I am worried
Hi Kells,
i have been waiting for your reply to know if you have had the CD.Did u check from the Zomba Recording Corporation?i registered the CD and so i expect it to get to u by now.if it hasn’t,i will have to hold the post office responsible for misplacing it.i have already told you why i could not send thru a black envelope ;we do not have it here and a coloured one is not acceptable.i appologised cus the rules are inevitable.please forgive me if it will give u a hard time trying to have it from the corporation but i have got to know if u have requested for it from the corporation.Please reply cus i am kind of confused now.hope to hear soon.
Samuel

In this next one, he attempts to send one of the songs by attaching one of those .cda shortcut files that you see on Windows if you double-click on an audio CD. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2007 11:55:24 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Track
Yo Kells,
i do not know if you have still got the track but i have finally sent it to you through the mail.Kells i know you will get the CD itself since i have already sent but for now this is the same track.Let me know immediately you get it and do not disappoint me.i wrote the whole song though but was helped by some one with the chorus.i did the rest of the verses and the backing of the last chorus.Kells i trust in you to let me know when you get it that is why i have sent it to you.
Samuel

This time, I contemplated writing him back. Since he was so excited about sending this stuff through e-mail, I decided maybe encouraging him to download iTunes and rip some MP3s would do the trick. At the very least, I could get some mild amusement out of his low-quality songs.

I decided not to reply until he sent two more…

Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2007 02:00:40 PM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: i sent song into mail too
Hi Kells,
i have sent the song into ur mail cus it might delay to have the CD and i do not know the comment you will have on the track but this is what i got to say supposing you like it.i am adding this before the reply cus i will like you to combine all the reply since it might take a long time before i hear from you again.
Reasons why i will like to give my tracks to you
1]Anybody i ask to help me come out with my tracks either want me to sell it out to them to sell it to other artistes or will like to take them forcefully from me.[probably its cus of my age]
2]i am a student who will like to further my education and so either i give the songs out or i combine it with formal education but as i said i cannot trust anyone in my country so far to help me.
3]U are the mentor that led to writing the tracks so if i have got to give them out,it must definitely be u.

Reasons why i will like to come to US
1]The only sound engineer i can trust has travelled so cannot have any more recordings here and send to u;moreover i will like you to see me for”seeing is believing” in order to know what i have got in me and if the track is actually from me.
3]i have a track which talks about the problem u are going through and that means ,even if i can trust another engineer here u will have to do it yourself.
Kells i know the reasons i have given is enough to let u know how close i want to be to u just because u are my mentor.plzzzzzz Kells i mean whatever i have said so please do something about it so i get to u in US.I CAN COME BACK AFTER THAT.If you still doubt,u can let me take care of the neccessary documents to come there and if u do not like my songs u can send me back that very day.i must get to you early so u can decide to send me an invite ticket which i can take to no where but u.i will need your telephone number if it will be cool with u.i have sent mine in a previous mail.
Kells i want to make it up to u so please respond to my calling.u might like to see my pic so will send to u.
Your homie,
Samuel

Here’s where I started losing my guilt again: he’s a leech. He’s kissing R. Kelly’s ass for a free trip to join his entourage and be rocketed to superstardom by Kells. What the fuck? But before I could respond, he sent the second one:

Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2007 02:08:25 PM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Fwd: My pic

in the second pix,i am the one in yellow and receiving the award ;;Best Solo Artiste” in High School

Note: forwarded message attached.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

The following are the headers for this message/rfc822 message.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 07:27:52 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: My pic
From: Selorm Eckert Lotamey
To: samuel anang

You’ll notice something subtle here: the photos he sent of “himself” were forwarded directly from some other dude’s e-mail, subjected “My pic” — and meanwhile he’s telling Kells not only that it’s him, but that he’s winning an award for music! This eradicated my guilt once and for all: I didn’t know what, other than money and famewhoring, Samuel Anang wanted out of Kells…but he was clearly running some kind of low-level scam attempt. I don’t know if he unraveled the ruse or just really thought R. Kelly wouldn’t see through such a transparent lie, but I decided to throw in the towel and just be as obnoxious as possible, trying to get him to send as much music as possible and generally mindfuck him until I got bored with it.

I wrote him an e-mail, which unfortunately I lost, about iTunes and requesting he rip some tracks for me to take a listen to. It took him over a week to respond with two songs:

Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2007 09:00:22 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: I finally sent it//////////
My Man,
i am happy that a new album will be out soon.And 4 the trial i am with u thru it.Cus of that i have written a track 4 you but does not offend anybody and talks about u and the hatred some people have 4 u.U’ve got to hear it and know how to arrange the verses cus u must do it urself.
Anyway, i know u’ve now heard the song.i actually wrote it looking at how ur wife might feel after all what is being said about u.[especially the second verse of song].It is therefore dedicated to her and my future wife .
Kells,got about 10 tracks to give out but as said and explained in previous mail,cannot have anymore
recordings hear .It will be faster if documents will be made and sent to me or an invitation.I guess u can let some1 cater 4 that since u are damn busy.U can decide to let him come and check if i really can deliver here in my country.I will be expecting ur reply on
1]The song and what u intend to do with it cus u might re-do it or ask me to do it again since it is not a masterpiece.
2]My coming to the states.if yes let me know what to do;if no,let me know why?
3]A comm. number that will make comm faster. Kells got to be there cus’Seeing is Believing’
Samuel

It’s kind of important the he says he has “about 10 tracks to give out.” Trust me.

Once again, I listened to the music, I reveled in the badness, but I…didn’t respond. By that time, it had less to do with stringing him along and more to do with getting busy in my embarrassing social life. I just couldn’t take the time to respond to prank e-mails. He sent me two, spaced almost two months apart.

Date: Fri, 7 Dec 2007 11:59:34 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: hope u heard it
Hey Man,
i sent the track on 17 Nov.this time i did it right.but man i think thewre is so much about u on air but i know i will be the last guy to stand by u.i now got so much trax i want to give out.they will only need few re arrangements from the king of R and B himself.i will be very if u can make the arrangements for my coming to the states soon and u can have another album soon.
Samuel

I love the exploitative promise that his songs will lead R. Kelly to another blockbuster album.

Date: January 22, 2008 12:22:54 PM CST
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Ur son Samuel
Hi Kelly,
its been more than 2 months now.but i know its cus of the tour and all the accusations people put on you all because u evergrow in the music industry.plz pardon me cus i am about to say a lot.i sent u the track in Nov but since i had some 1 sing the chorus u might think it is not mine cus of that,i made another song all cus of the troubled mind u have in recent times and named it ”troubled mind”. i sung as if i am u so everywhere u hear ”I” that is ”U”. but for the intro,that is my message to u.Somewhere in the the middle there is a place starting with ”I said Kells is the man”;that will be whom u will feature.i am jxt saying so even tho you might change a lot of things.Once again i am sorry for the poor recording so u will have to use earpiece.i did it in a friends room not a studio yet he took an extra $200 in addition to $300 that i gave him cus he did not want me to use his room.i had to borrow the extra $200 so even if u will like to see me before u show ur appreciation plz send the $200.All what i ask for is to be a songwriter to u since things dont always go well with me financially.I will be happy if u can also send an invite to me sos i can come and give the remaining 9 tracks in addition to the ”wat u gonna do”.For i wil like u to put the ”troubled mind” on air as an exclusive one because of the problems being put on u.
NB;
1] U can send the money thru Western Union or any other to Ghana and with info given
i will go for it.
2]in case u want to send the invite
[mailing address omitted]
3]my number is [phone number omitted]
4]If this is not Kells plz let him have the track and if u will not link me,i will still work with u sos i can make a living. Hope to hear soon.

He forwarded this same message two weeks later when I didn’t respond, but mainly what I was waiting for (in addition to being too busy/lazy to respond) was more music. When he didn’t send any, I decided to kickstart this prank.

Date: February 8, 2008 11:14:27 AM CDT
From: Robert Kelly
To: samuel anang
Subject: Re: Ur son Samuel
yo samuel, how u be?

i sure’s sorry bout not gettin back 2 u sooner, it just so hard like u said cuz of tha tour & such & my blackberry done broke so i had ta wait until i got near a computer. listen i got tha trax u emailed to me.

i got 2 say, it a little raw, but there somethin there. b4 i go 2 all tha trouble of sendin finances ur way, i just wonder if u can send another track or 2 so i can get a better feel 4 ur styles. if u could do that plz it’d help out a lot.

thx samuel

~kells~

I’m not saying “b4 i go 2 all tha trouble of sendin finances ur way” is an explicit admission that I’d help pay for shit, but I could see how somebody would get the wrong idea. The way I read it (and what I meant when I wrote it) is, “If you send me more songs and they don’t suck, I’ll consider bringing you to America.” Nonetheless, even though this time it nearly took him a month to respond, seeing the phrase “sendin finances” apparently got Samuel salivating:

Date: Mon, 3 Mar 2008 10:08:39 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Subject: Done it
Hi Kells,
i finally did it.i payed$500 for them.i plead with u to send at least the money i borrowed to do this so that u can decide to send something later or let me come there.i ill expect u very soon.and please any bank here ill do.
bye
Samuel

With that, he sent three additional tracks. He also changes his story quite a bit. First, it’s “I paid $300 for 10 tracks but now the dude is demanding an extra $200”; now he’s actually he just recently paid a full $500 for these three “new” tracks he sent me. Did he really pay $1000 to record 13 tracks with bargain-basement technology? Seriously, I need to move to Ghana. I could make a living there.

I listened to the songs, but I felt like the prank had pretty much run its course. The combination of me lying to him, and him lying to me, made me feel like the whole thing was a wash.

Samuel disagreed.

Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2008 08:07:57 AM CDT
From: samuel anang
To: Robert Kelly
Reply-To: Samuel Anang
Subject: Are You Still There?
Hi Kells,
What is keeping you that long after i sent three tracks on 3rd Feb? i can wait for long but as i told u the money used for the recordings even though rough was borrowed and now the lenders are putting the pressure on me.U can at least check the mails once in two weeks to respond to some of us.If the problem on you is now too much u can link me to someone else to help me if possible cus u have known me for seven months but it seems to me as if we just met.Please if there is too much on u such that things will not work out between us,let me know.At least i can sell some few things i possess to pay those who lent me the money and may look somewhere else for help.i would not blame u ,i will understand.please do reply soon.
Sam

I hope I’m not the only one who notices the not-entirely-subtle shift in tone from friendly/hopeful/desperate to mildly hostile — but not too hostile, so as to avoid pissing “Kells” off. His e-mail made me feel a little uncomfortable, like if I didn’t respond, he’d send his “lenders” to go kidnap Kells — or, worse, he’d expose me and send them in my direction. Nobody wants that, least of all the person I intend to trick them into thinking is the real culprit, so I decided to officially end this prank, not just leave it hanging.

look bro, i wanna beleeve tha best in peeps but i don’t get this attitude. i ain’t promise u nothin but that i’d listen ,n i did. u got somethin, thay ain’t no doubt bout that but i think its real hard 2 beleeve u spend $500 on them trax
i ain’t tryina hurt but u dont know what it like bein kells lately shit b gettin RAW. i got a trial goin on n it cost all kind a $$$ n my new record ain’t b sellin like back in 94…started real good but now it goin down. ran way over tha top on my new trapped chapters. and to top that off, some punk stoled my blackberry. so hear u r, not catchin my pain, jus askin 4 handouts like all tha rest

i think we need to end this. u won’t hear from me again.

~kells~

(Note that I have a continuity error of my own: earlier I said my Blackberry was broken, but now I changed it to stolen. Oops!)

I’m about 98% sure Samuel Anang is full of shit. He may owe some people $500, but I don’t think it’s for those recordings. He’s trying to get R. Kelly to be his sugar daddy, and when he doesn’t get his way, he gets angry and, I don’t know, I sense a little fear in that last e-mail.

But what if he’s telling the truth? If he’s gullible enough to believe I’m R. Kelly, he’s gullible enough to pay $500 for some worthless recordings. That makes me feel guilty for stringing him along, but I can’t get over the real, concrete lies (which make me assume the implicit lies are just as concrete). Am I the only person in the world who could overthink a prank like this? Maybe…

I’m going to give him a few days to send a response. If I don’t hear from him, I’m dismantling my R. Kelly mailbox to ensure Samuel won’t hear from “him” again.

Tags: mean, music, prank, R. Kelly

Posted by Stan on March 26, 2008 4:53 PM