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Black List Script #8: Desperados by Ellen Rapoport

MAJOR DISCLAIMER: Since these scripts, bought or not, are currently unproduced and/or in the midst of long, tedious development processes, they may not make it to the screen for up to three years, if ever. You should know that the synopsis contains MASSIVE, EARTH-SHATTERING SPOILERS, even though this screenplay may not resemble the finished film (if any) in any way. Read at your own risk.

Secondary Disclaimer: I refer to what follows as “coverage” by the loosest definition of that term. In keeping with this blog’s tradition, I’ve crammed the notes so full of rancorous rants, it’s 1/10th as concise as actual coverage, almost falling into the category of a review. However, since I’ve included the loglines and a detailed synopsis, it’s close enough to coverage for my purposes. Deal with it.

Logline (provided by The Black List): “After a woman sends an indignant email to her new beau, who’s gone radio silent postsex, she discovers he’s comatose in a Mexican hospital and races south of the border with her friends in tow to intercept the email before he recovers.”

Jump to:
Synopsis
Notes
The Bottom Line

Synopsis

[Removed by request.]

Notes

Ah, the Idiot Plot. Believe it or not, I haven’t read a script with Idiot Plot elements in a very long time. I’ve read a great many scripts with idiotic plot elements, but it seemed like Hollywood was finally getting away from that old, stupid chestnut: the storyline that only works if every character in the movie is a complete fucking dunderheaded moron.

Honestly, Desperados isn’t a terrible script. It has a genial tone and more than a few smile-worthy moments. Some of the humor reminded me a bit too much of Nancy Pimental’s script The Sweetest Thing. Remember that? The halcyon days of 2001 when Pimental, a South Park writer who rose to mild on-camera prominence as the replacement host of Win Ben Stein’s Money, was poised as a female Farrelly brother, when everyone thought The Sweetest Thing would mark the dawning of a new genre: female-targeted gross-out comedies. Then it bombed, and that was kinda the end of that. Nevertheless, Desperados is filled with similar gross-out gags and, honestly, a few similar story beats. (But it bears more striking resemblances to 1998’s Overnight Delivery and 2000’s Road Trip.)

Despite several amusing moments, the script relies far too much on Three’s Company-esque misunderstandings that, as mentioned, require each character to be an idiot. On Three’s Company, that worked because most of the characters were idiots, and the writers (and actors) used that stupidity for comic effect. That seems to be the norm these days for Idiot Plot movies: make the characters as stupid as the story. It sort of works. (See also: Superbad, one of my favorites of 2007.) Desperados doesn’t do that, though. Desperados gives us a lawyer and a doctor who are portrayed as emotionally retarded, but I don’t think we’re supposed to believe (based on their occupations) that they’re mentally retarded. So when, for instance, Wesley determines Jared must be cheating based primarily on a VoiceMail she doesn’t listen to completely, and knows she doesn’t listen to completely, that makes her an idiot. It’s sort of worse at the end, when Huck draws the mistaken conclusion that Wesley is getting artificially inseminated — because Wesley’s assistant stupidly reenforces that by saying particular things in particular ways that no human would ever use to describe where Wesley is or what she’s doing.

Those are small examples, but the entire plot hinges on one big, steaming pile of Idiot Plot: the sending of the e-mail. In fact, I think this moment in the script shows a pretty clear distinction between regular plotting and Idiot Plotting: Wesley’s increasing neurotic frustration about Jared not calling her is perfectly understandable; her wanting to send an angry e-mail to him four days later is perfectly understandable; even the setup for why she leaves her apartment to talk on her cell phone, and accidentally talking to Jared (whom she’d presumably ignore out of anger if she knew) — perfectly understandable! When she picks up the phone, and it’s Jared, and he has a bizarre yet logical explanation for why he never called, complete with apology, here’s how an idiot would react to that situation: by pantomiming at people who are clearly too stupid to understand, then running into the room screaming at the last possible second. Here’s how a neurotic but intelligent young lawyer might react: “Hold on a sec, Jared. (to Kaylie and Brooke) It’s Jared — he’s okay, do not send the e-mail. I’ll explain when I get off the phone.” Or maybe she doesn’t want to interrupt Jared in his time of need. A neurotic but intelligent young lawyer might, for instance, reenter the apartment after the phone conversation and say, “That was Jared, whose perfectly rational explanation negates any need to send that e-mail.”

Examples abound of more Idiot Plotting: buying up every newspaper in town (what is this, I Love Lucy?), the sex-toy/Ambien misunderstanding, virtually everything involving Nolan and Debbie… It sort of frustrated me because the script has plenty of good ideas for comic set-pieces, but too many of them arrive as a result of moments that just make everyone seem too dumb to have control over their bowels, much less have high-powered careers that require a great deal of education. (And on that note — what the hell is up with Quintano condescendingly insulting UCLA? “State school” or not, it boasts one of the best law schools in the country, and Quintano works at a fucking hotel. In Mexico. Even if he graduated top of his class for Stanford with a major in hotel management, he doesn’t have a lot of room to gloat. Sorry, random tangent — but seriously, what the fuck?)

Worse than the Idiot Plot beats, perhaps, is the conclusion that this script does not need to take place in Mexico. Mexico serves as such a generic backdrop, it could be set in any vacation spot: Hawaii, the Bahamas, Mackinac Island, Orlando, any of our fine national parks. Look, I’ve been to Mexico, and I didn’t stay in any luxury resorts. It’s a place rife with comic possibilities (both racist and not), and it’s decidedly a foreign country. One of the alleged selling points of Desperados is that much of the action involves three American women getting into crazy situations south of the border. But none of it screams, “This could only happen in Mexico.” Not even the bribing of local police. You could easily transpose the action to another vacation resort by only changing the names of locations and maybe three lines of dialogue. Many of the Idiot Plot problems could easily be resolved if the story relied a little more on the natural fish-out-of-water humor that comes from a neurotic, decidedly American woman trying to navigate the unfamiliar customs of a foreign country. Instead, it seems like writer Ellen Rapoport is hedging her bets in case, let’s say, financiers decide they’d rather the script took place on the French Riviera. Setting’s important, and the comic possibilities of this setting is wasted, big-time.

Aside from the excruciating Idiot Plot and the poorly exploited setting, this is standard romantic comedy fare: familiar plot, stock characters, obvious conflicts. It’s not the worst romantic comedy script I’ve read (Fuckbuddies and the alleged anti-rom-com I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell are infinitely worse), but it’s a frustrating read. What does work shows that Rapoport understands comedy and understands relationships. She just relies too much on people who are supposed to be smart acting stupid for no clear reason.

The Bottom Line

I think the key for Desperado’s success lies in really digging into the Mexican setting and deriving natural comedy from that fish-out-of-water concept instead of people acting like idiots and/or trying to catch flights. If it sticks with the Idiot Plot, it’ll end up as yet another forgettable romantic comedy, with or without the “edgy” “gross-out” humor.

Tags: Black List, Black List 2009, comedy, Desperados, Ellen Rapoport, Idiot Plot, Mexico, romantic comedy

Posted by Stan on December 23, 2009 5:16 PM  | Permalink  | Print-Friendly  | Reviews | Digg It