Flamer
After some dabbling, I’ve made it a policy to not post on messageboards. I’ve noticed three possible outcomes of posting as a newbie: you’re either totally ignored, flamed by longtime posters (especially if you have a dissenting opinion), or you end up saying something you think is totally innocuous but is taken way too seriously by other posters, leading to more emotional drama than you should need from people you haven’t met. But I’m getting old(er) and (more) curmudgeonly, so when I stumbled across a forum that references this old post, I got mad. And I decided I would flame, because I’m mean and petty and I was a little bored.
This was the forum post:
Taking the post on its own, without the context of the three previous pages of posts, I concluded that this dude was taking a potshot at me. I got a little hung up on starting it with “But,” because what the hell? I scrolled up, but none of the previous posts indicated any kind of context that he was responding to anyone — it came out of thin air, so when I glanced at the location (Skien, Norway), I figured, “Eh, maybe he’s just not great with English.”
And I was pissed. For reasons enumerated in the finely crafted flame below:
Quoting ‘jostber’ on Nov 13 2008, 11:04AM:But these “Smart Girls” lyrics are a bit dubious:
http://www.stanhasissues.com/archives/2007…worst_song.htmlDubious they might be, but don’t say I didn’t warn you, jackass:
Quoting ‘Stan Has Issues&trade’:Lyrics (approximated based on what I’m hearing; if you hear him saying something different, drop a comment and I’ll correct it):
It’s not like I passed this off as something I copied directly from Dr. Eugene Landy’s original, vomit-stained lyric sheet. I went back through and noticed a couple of misspellings (“plain” instead of “plane” — WHERE DO I GET THE BALLS?!), but I still hear all the words the same way. Why don’t you do what I ask rather than scoffing at me on some fruity jazz message board? I’m an asshole, but I hate being wrong. If I agreed with what you’re hearing, I’d change the lyrics without question, as I clearly stated.
Or maybe you didn’t read that part because you were too busy trolling for the MP3 I had to delete because too many fruity jazz message boards were direct-linking to it instead of referring to the post. In your infinite disappointment, you settled on linking to said post with a condescending remark about my ability to hear and transcribe slurred words nearly drowned out by a thunderous and terrible synth beat. I’m not putting illegal MP3s up out of the kindness of my goddamn heart. Learn how to read or keep your mouth shut about my ability to write.
I was ready to post this, man. I signed up to the forum, I pored through previous and later posts, and I knew it was absolutely the right move to make. I didn’t realize that his “dubious” remark was a callback to himself, from eleven posts and four hours earlier. In fact, I stumbled across them by accident, because not even his posting history clarified it: he had several posts — including one in this same thread — between an earlier remark (“I think those lyrics are pretty cool. :)”) and his later remark.
Such bizarre, weird separations exist between the two posts that I could be in denial and the two posts have nothing to do with each other. I do believe this to be the case, however, and now I have an affliction I can only call “flaming blue balls.” Hold on, let me check Urban Dictionary to make sure that isn’t some kind of homophobia-related disorder. Okay, looks good. “Flaming blue balls” — because I wanted to flame, I had a great one going, but at the last possible moment, the forum said, “No, baby. I’m not ready for this.” By which I mean, this jostber dude was spared by posting too many times on the same page and was lucky his initial, Jethro Tull-related post was on the same page as the “dubious” remark.
But one day, gentle readers, I will flame, and you will bare witness to the glut of traffic and comments I’ve secretly yearned for since bashing Juno lo, these many months ago.
Posted by Stan on November 23, 2008 4:26 PM | Permalink | Stories of Hilarity and Humiliation | Digg It
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