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Procedure…Deadly Procedure

Yesterday, I had an unexpected colonoscopy and upper-GI endoscopy. It was suspiciously uneventful, and I’ll spare you most of the gory details. Bottom line: I’ve been having gastrointestinal issues for a few months. My G.P. recommended a gastroenterologist who was ragingly useless, so I switched to a different doctor group full of men with alarming compassion. I’m not used to doctors who actually want to help people, so I didn’t know how to react when the doctor I saw said, “We just happened to have a cancellation for tomorrow.” Within an hour, I was scheduled for a Friday appointment and dropping off a prescription from this juice that clears the ol’ colon out.

I figured this would be good for me, because I would imagine my colon is full of all manner of disgusting former foodstuffs that no man, beast, or space alien can digest. I figured so, so wrong.

Here’s what happens: you drink this juice over the course of an hour, then drink a glass of water to get your bowels a-started. Then, you take a few reasonably normal (except for the fact that they come about 20 minutes apart) dumps. Then…you liquid-shit endlessly until it reaches a point where you’re shitting out piss, in defiance of all nature and humanity.

What the fuck?! Goddammit! And then I had to wake up at 5 a.m. to repeat the process.

And then, after all that, they didn’t find anything. I guess the plus side is that they ruled out a bunch of shit (literally!), but all it really means is I have to have more tests run. At least most of them won’t be as invasive…I hope.

Posted by Stan on May 24, 2008 10:11 AM  | Permalink | Stories of Pain and Humiliation | Digg It