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No Good Stories

So yeah, I haven’t updated recently because I have absolutely nothing in my life worth writing about. I rarely do anything productive or social, aside from trading e-mails or instant messages with friends, but that hardly qualifies. I’ve been doing a lot of “actual” writing, which may or may not be a good thing (and is another reason for my lack of upating — after doing “actual” writing, I’m too lazy to document my overblown, largely internalized reactions to mundane situations), doing a hell of a lot of reading, between pathetic job searches and failed interviews.

I was supposed to go to this party yesterday, being thrown by somebody I haven’t talked to and possibly haven’t even thought about since sophomore year of high school. But the day before the party, panic set in. A weird kind of social anxiety — I wasn’t worried about not being liked, or saying the wrong thing, or whatever; rather, I was worried about not liking them. This is somebody I hardly knew even when I knew her, hosting a party with a totally alien circle of friends, and I don’t even have the buffer of bringing anybody since all my friends are either busy or out of state (or busy trying to be out of state so I leave them alone). I didn’t want to be disappointed having to put up with people I didn’t like for an appropriate length of time.

So I said “fuck it.” I disappeared from my computer all day and then, just before going to bed, lied about why I didn’t show up, and promised I’d go to the next group thing she plans. Even though I probably won’t, at least next time I won’t commit so fully to being there only to bail at the last minute. But why shouldn’t I? I should be able to just go and try to have a good time, and leave if I’m not. Fuck, if I don’t like them and that’s the reason I leave, why should I care about staying long enough to not feel rude about leaving too early? I wouldn’t associate with any of them ever again, right?

I guess I just didn’t think things through, as usual.

Posted by Stan on April 16, 2006 4:16 PM  | Permalink | Random Musings | Digg It