Script
So I read this thriller yesterday that really tries to tackle the “child pornography/pedophilia/sex trade” issues, and you know what? It actually wasn’t the worst thing I’ve read. Sure, it had a lot of problems, and it honestly had the worst third act of any script I’ve read in my entire life, with the possible exception of the one I casually call Heat Lighting.
Even worse than the trainwreck of a third act itself was the very last scene. Less than a page, we have our resolution: these two family matriarchs — sisters who married and run various porn/sex-slave operations through their separate households — are in prison, sharing a cell. One says to the other, “I keep thinking about that eight year old I was with last week.”
The other sister sort of makes a face, which prompts the first sister to add, “I know what you’re thinking, but she had the body of a six year old.”
Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, this fucking thing isn’t a comedy. There are some traces of humor throughout, but it’s that stilted, doesn’t-quite-work-because-everybody-is-Joe-Friday kind of humor you see on Law & Order. But not only is this a completely absurd way to end the screenplay — it’s intended as a little, post-credit tag. It says “CREDITS ROLL,” followed by this last scene. What the hell is this, Wayne’s World? Was it a comedy the whole time, but I just didn’t get the joke until the last page?
It threw every single thought I had about the screenplay out the window, so I did what any hack would do: I chose to ignore it and based my comments on the entire story with the exception of that scene. Because, really, even if I don’t know anything but the title at the outset (and titles don’t always reveal everything), I’m usually pretty good at guessing the genre within the first five or so pages. I mean, you’d have to know that. Even the worst writers can set a tone. In unfunny comedies, you can tell the writer thinks it’s a comedy and can evaluate it based on that, because they set it up that way. And this one was definitely a thriller that descended into “serious drama” territory. I mean, it’s trying to tackle these issues in a fairly straightforward way. Then all of a sudden, a half page of jokes.
I can’t imagine it being a comedy because honestly, that half-page was funny. I laughed out loud, then said to myself, “What the fuck is this ending?” If the entire script was supposed to be a comedy, it’s pretty disappointing that the first laugh comes on page 120.
Really, I’m kind of at a loss. I went back through and skimmed it to see if there were traces of irony or sarcasm that I had simply missed. My only other explanation is that maybe the writer is a loser like me, living at home, and he or she had a little brother who got on the computer and said, “Heh, heh, I’ll write this fake ending before it gets printed.” I have no other explanation for it.
So here’s a note for writers: don’t do this kind of thing. Just don’t. Whatever compels you to do it, or if you maybe have a little brother with access to your computer, just make sure nothing this insane ends your script. Because the ending makes as big an impression as the beginning. This is the last words we read before we consider it and ruminate for 30 seconds before writing notes. We don’t want a baffling, tacked-on, incoherent half-page at the end. Not everybody’s nice enough to just pretend it’s not there.
Posted by Stan on March 11, 2006 6:16 PM | Permalink | Career-Based Rambling | Digg It
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