« More of Owen’s Issues | Main | Partners, or: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OWEN! »

Skate or Die, or: Die or Die

I’m all achy and tired. Last night, I went ice-skating with some friends. Apparently I’m not good at that. Well, I mastered the fine art of clinging to the railing for dear life, but when I tried to mix it up a little bit by making my legs go frantically in fifty different directions at one time, followed by falling flat on my ass, the whole ice-skating thing got tiresome.

Ironically, though, the most painful things to happen to me last night didn’t happen on an ice rink. One happened at the restaurant afterward, when it turned out the girl I had kinda-sorta been set up with informed us all that she had a boyfriend (unbeknownst to the friends who attempted to set us up). I’m still not sure if she saw through the whole set-up ruse as easily as I did and made up the boyfriend so I wouldn’t be insulted that she didn’t like me (I wouldn’t, though; it’s a natural reaction).

The second happened on the train on the way home. This woman, who I really hope was homeless, because if not, she’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. Anyway, this woman got on the train and smelled worse than I ever thought any human being ever could. I mean, I’ve had issues with train-related body odor before, but this was unimaginably bad. Honestly, she smelled like raw sewage. And the worst part? The smell clung to the air for at least 20 minutes, during which I had to breathe very slowly through my mouth.

At one point, this woman maneuvered her way across the train car, and one gentleman sitting a little ways down from me accurately summarized the experience: “Daaaaaaaaamn, lady! What the hell’s wrong with you?”

The evening was rounded out in a way so stupidly ironic, it’s sorta funny. It wasn’t at the time, but looking back (you know, 18 hours), it’s hilarious.

When I got off the train, I went down to the parking lot toward my car. It was pretty warm — mid-30s to low-40s — all day, but when it got dark, it cooled off considerably. So considerably that the puddles dotting the lot had frozen over again.

There I was, crossing the parking lot at my typical brisk pace, trying to get to the car before the hundreds of muggers I often imagine hiding behind cars jump out and steal my money and soul, when I started across a somewhat large puddle. But this was no puddle: it was a large, slick patch of ice. I slid, reeled back, pinwheeling my arms to catch balance. I finally did and took a deep breath, standing completely still so I wouldn’t fall.

I took another step, outside of the slippery grasp of the ice patch, and somehow managed to step onto concrete that was as slick as the ice itself (damn you, black ice!). Unprepared for it, I tried to keep myself stable, but I failed miserably and fell right on my ass. I’m sure a few people saw me, but the lot is dark and empty that late. Despite the lack of witnesses, it was still the most humiliating thing to happen that night.

So now, I have bruises on my arms and hands, and every single part of my body aches in a wide variety of ways. I can’t wait to see what’s planned for next weekend!

Tags: aches, blind date, boyfriend, bruises, CTA, foul, ice-skating, incompetent, offensive, pain, Spring 2004 semester, stench, train

Posted by Stan on February 22, 2004 5:45 PM  | Permalink | Friends: Can’t Live with ‘Em | Digg It