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Five Albums of the Week (3)

It’s been over a month since the last time I did this, but the rules are still the same, and it’s still stolen from Dan Dickinson and amended to include albums instead of songs. So, here we go…

Only Everything by Juliana Hatfield (1995, Atlantic Records)

I managed to track down a near-mint copy of the German-pressed European LP release of this album and Hey Babe, and it only cost £15 including shipping. I was pleased with the purchase. I listened to the CD (since my Discman is a little less cumbersome in the car than my turntable) while I warmed up my car and listened to Lucy relate a long and pointless story about her boyfriend that, in the words of a mutual friend of ours, “proved her even more immature than he is.”

Here’s a paraphrased version of that story: her boyfriend is a spaz who apparently overreacted because he, contrary to the popular myths reported in sorority houses, didn’t want her parading around “the bars” dressed like a slut. He also doesn’t want her smoking or drinking (much). He’s just too demanding, and yet she believes she’s in love with him, so she won’t break up with him. And he won’t break up with her; instead, he just ignores her for days and then, when she calls him, hangs up or asks “why the fuck” she’s calling.

So, she decided to get revenge by parading around “the bars” dressed like a slut, smoking and drinking. This tactic was not nearly as effective as she thought it would be. You’ll never believe this, but it actually made him angrier than he was. However, it apparently serves him right for being “the jealous type.” Some other stuff happened, but I don’t recall what because I think I stopped paying attention, and then suddenly she stormed into his apartment and screamed at him for 30 minutes.

I’m not sure why he deserved this — it’s possible something interesting happened when I zoned out, but I doubt it — but she was very proud of her ability to weave an intricate tapestry of profanities rivaled only by the most ornate 16th-century Persian rugs. She wouldn’t really repeat any of these clever strings of obscenities, possibly because she knew that (m)any of the swear-drenched tirades she has witnessed from me over the course of our friendship would make hers looking like a shit-stained ferret in comparison.

He did a few things that actually were pretty rotten. I don’t remember, but not from not paying attention; I’ve just forgotten (this is what I get for not blogging in-the-moment anymore). I kinda wish I did remember them, because I remember thinking at the time, “And you didn’t just dump him because…?” And the mutual friend I quoted above thought basically the same thing.

I guess everything’s sorted out now. Her outburst officially whipped him, and she says he’s pretty submissive now, although she objected to my use of the term “whipped.” “He’s not whipped,” she insisted, “he just understands my perspective now.” I.e., he’s whipped.

Statutory Grape by Sissy Bar (1996, Sugar Fix Recordings)

This album has a great cover of the otherwise unmemorable Snoop Dogg song “Gin and Juice.” It also boasts the funniest song of all time, “Jackie,” a song about the influence of Jackie Collins on American lives.

Songs For Peeps by Sissy Bar (1999, Mootron Records)

This album almost doesn’t even exist, it’s so obscure, but it’s pretty damn good. It’s not Statutory Grape, but it’s quite a fine sophomore effort. I just wish Sissy Bar hadn’t disappeared off the face of the earth four years before I learned of their existence. Anybody who can track down copies of either this or Statutory Grape (both appear intermittently on half.com, though I found great deals through Amazon’s Marketplace merchants.

Or you could just talk to me, since I ripped the album and have the MP3s collecting digital dust on my hard drive currently, just waiting to saturate the market of idle losers looking for some pseudo-countrified lo-fi fem-pop that sound like the mangled lovechild of Rilo Kiley and Stereolab. And that’s as close as I’ll allow my blog to be soiled with the tangy smarm of almost-music criticism.

Shudder.

Let Go by Nada Surf (2002, Barsuk Records)

I first heard about Nada Surf a long, long, long, long time ago. Long ago, in fact, that I remember being disappointed that one of my favorite Guitar World columnists was leaving to pursue a music career, instead of just writing about how he wished he had one. So, since I was actively reading Guitar World, I’d put it around seventh or eighth grade.

I bought their first album, but once “Popular” hit the air-waves and became a controversial hit (thanks to its, ahem, unusual video), I sort of dismissed them as a Weezer clone and completely forgot about them.

Then, my pal Adam Green, said, “OMG STAN U MUST LISSEN!#!#@!” at which point I told him he was thrwoing his life away. Still, I downloaded the album and, two months later, I listened to it.

And, holy shit, I was pretty blown away. At first, I couldn’t figure out what the fuck it was. I didn’t recognize the singing, the guitar playing, or any of the music at all, and the ID3 tags were sort of b0rked, to use the technical term, so I had to track it down by Googling random song lyrics until I came up with a hit I recognized.

Neon Nights by Dannii Minogue (2003, Ultra Records)

Yes, not only am I listening to this album — I paid actual money for it. And I know nobody will ever believe this, but it was worth the money. In fact, in conjunction with The Cooler Kids’ epic Punk Débutante, Michelle Branch’s Hotel Paper, and Liz Phair’s recent self-titled record, a disturbing, empowered, sexually aggressive fem-pop revolution has been spurred in my music taste.

And, really, the thing that started it all was Dannii’s “Vibe On.”

Plug it in gimme my vibe on, good vibrations, that’s what gets my ride on, gotta have vibrations,
Jump on top it, sit right on it, plug it in gimme my vibe on, gotta have vibrations.

I’m not kidding — it can’t possibly get any better than that. Well, except for the part where she says “vibraholic.” And the part where she makes reference to putting in “XXX batteries.”

Tags: Adam Green, Amazon, boyfriend, cover, Dan Dickinson, Dannii Minogue, dumped, fempop, Gin and Juice, Guitar World, half.com, Hey Babe, Hotel Paper, Jackie Collins, Juliana Hatfield, Let Go, Liz Phair, lo-fi, LP, Lucy, Michelle Branch, Nada Surf, Neon Nights, Only Everything, Popular, Punk Debutante, Rilo Kiley, self-titled, Sissy Bar, Songs for Peeps, Statutory Grape, Stereolab, The Cooler Kids, Vibe On, vibraholic, XXX batteries

Posted by Stan on January 10, 2004 8:04 PM  | Permalink | Friday Five/Albums of the Week | Digg It